"You can succeed if nobody else believes it, but you will never succeed if you don't believe in yourself" -- William J.H. Boetcker

Alive & Well Archives

May 2003

****************************************************

TODAY'S QUOTE:  "We expect more of ourselves than we have any right to"
                                                                -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

****************************************************

TODAY'S TOPIC:  Self-beatings

How often do you say disempowering things to yourself or berate yourself?  How often do you expect so much of yourself that you’re disappointed or hate yourself when you fail to achieve what you want?  Are you hard on yourself when you don’t behave the way you want?  In other words, how often do you beat yourself up? 

A lot of my clients beat themselves up frequently.  Sometimes I wonder if this is the new American past time.  Do these self-beatings work?  Do self-beaters achieve their goals any faster when they’re so hard on themselves?  The answer…. NO!  Self-beatings do not propel you forward.  They bring you shame and guilt, and they keep you even more stuck. 

Let me give you an example.  I have a client who made a mistake with a supplier.  She entered into a deal that was not beneficial for her and ended up costing her additional money.  For months after that, she kept beating herself up and saying, “I should have known better.”  She was fearful after that to keep making progress in her business.  Had she looked at this as a simple business mistake, she would have moved forward.  But instead, she stopped trusting herself and kept berating herself.  Did the self-beatings empower her?  No way!

So how do you stop self-beatings? 

1) You constantly monitor your thoughts.  When you start to be hard on yourself, stop immediately.  Give yourself compassion instead.  If you hear yourself saying, “Why can’t you get this done,” instead say, “You’re doing the best you can.”  If you say, “You’ll never succeed,” instead say, “You were born to succeed.”  Treat yourself with compassion and empower yourself.  

2) Treat yourself like you would treat a child.  If a child (maybe your child) failed to achieve his goal, would you say, “You’re stupid.  You always fail!  You’ll never succeed?”  If he eats a whole thing of ice cream, would you say, “You’ll never lose weight.  You’re fat!”  Would you ever tell a child that he can’t succeed?  Would you ever berate him for mistakes he made?  No way.  You would empower the child instead.  You wouldn’t disempower a child like that, so why would you say those things to yourself?  Treat yourself like a child.

3) Stand in front of a mirror and say kind words to yourself.  This can especially be powerful if you’ve had a hard day.  Tell yourself you love yourself.

4) Write self-acknowledgements every night.  Every one of my clients has been instructed to write self-acknowledgements at night.  At the end of the day, what can you be proud of?  What can you appreciate about yourself?  Sometimes, my clients tend to acknowledge the “to do” items they completed.  This is great.  But go even further.  Appreciate yourself for the smile you gave a stranger.  Acknowledge that you read a story to your daughter at night.  Acknowledge that you went to the gym or drank enough water.  By doing this every night, you’ll notice you have a lot to be proud of, even if you haven’t achieved all your goals.  This is a way for you to see the greatness about you!

5) Be patient with yourself.  We don’t change overnight.  Notice the small changes you make.  Notice the small steps you take forward.  Patience will get you where you want to go. 

6) Ask for support from others.  On days when you’re having a hard time, ask others to tell you why they love you.  Have them tell you why you’re so great!

So how about it?  Are you ready to stop beating yourself?  Are you ready to empower yourself?

*****************************************************

Coaching Challenge

*****************************************************

Monitor your thoughts constantly and be kind to yourself.  Do the items suggested above and be compassionate!  Treat yourself like a child and empower yourself.