"The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind." -- William James

Alive & Well Archives

June 2001

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TODAY'S QUOTE:  "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

                                        --Marcus Aurelius

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TODAY'S TOPIC: Triggers and Beliefs

Have you ever noticed how two people can experience the exact same event but react very differently to it? One person may attach a negative meaning to the event and react strongly to it. The other person may not react to the event, or the person may view the event positively.

Let me give you an example. My friend, Carol, is very close to her mom.  Her sister, Julie, often fights with her mom. When the mom asks the sisters about their weekend plans, Carol tells her plans and thinks nothing of the question. Julie, on the other hand, yells at her mom and gets very defensive and uptight. In fact, Julie often gives her mom a dirty look and walks out of the room.

What’s the difference? When asked the exact same question, why does one sister get infuriated, while the other happily relays her plans?  

The difference is their beliefs and the meaning they attach to the question.  Carol believes her mom cares about her and is simply being curious. Julie believes her mom always criticizes her and doesn’t truly love her, so she interprets the question as criticism. The mom’s question is a negative “trigger” for Julie, because she’s afraid of being judged, criticized and unloved. Carol doesn’t believe she’s being judged or criticized, so her mom ’s question does not affect or “trigger” her.

Because of their beliefs, these sisters interpret the exact same question very differently. Julie BELIEVES she is not loved, so the question is a hot button for her, and it sets off a very negative reaction. Carol BELIEVES wholeheartedly that she’s loved and respected by her mom, so the question doesn’t phase her. Consequently, because they have different beliefs, the exact same event causes very different reactions.  

Let me give you another example. I am on a softball team, and I was up to bat one night. The other team’s catcher said, “Nice hairdo” to me. For those of you who don’t know softball, the catcher stands right behind you and can really mess with your head. I turned around, smiled at the catcher and said “thanks.” I had actually thought my hair looked horrible that night, but I was flattered. I thought the catcher was such a nice woman.

The catcher also said something to my teammate. My teammate left the field very upset with the catcher and calling her foul names. I had a positive reaction to the catcher, yet my teammate became very angry. What happened?  How could I like the catcher, while my teammate got angry? The answer: we attached different meanings to the event. Of course, our interpretations stemmed directly from our beliefs.

I believe people are generally nice, friendly and caring. So when the catcher commented on my hair, I took it as a huge compliment. Perhaps she wanted to rattle me, so I would strike out. If so, she failed, because I was flattered. My teammate, on the other hand, tends to be negative and attach negative meanings to events. She believes people are rude, so she became upset with the catcher. We experienced a similar event, yet we attached different meanings to it.  Consequently, we also had different outcomes. She became angry and struck out. I was happy and flattered. I hit the ball and made it to first base.

You see, it’s not the events that affect our lives. It’s the meanings we attach to them and the beliefs we form around them. Carol and Julie have different beliefs about their mom’s love, so the exact same event triggers one negatively, while the other thinks nothing of the event/question. My teammate and I have different beliefs about people, so she reacted negatively. On the other hand, I was flattered, and I started to walk around thinking I looked good. :)

It comes down to the following formula: E + R = O. The “Event” + your “Response” = the “Outcome.” You can’t change the event. But the final outcome is up to you. Your response/interpretation determines if your outcome is positive or negative. Your response determines if the event makes you feel good or bad.

What about you? What events set off triggers for you? What are your beliefs that make the events negative? In contrast, what events set off positive triggers for you?

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Coaching Challenge

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It’s time to identify your “triggers.” Over the next two weeks, notice ALL the events that cause you to have a reaction. The events may happen at work, at home, at the grocery store, etc.  You need to record these events, so take out a piece of paper and put four columns across its top.

1) In the 1st column, write down the event in an objective way. For example, the “event” may be when you ask your teenage child to clean his room, and he doesn’t do it. Don’t pass judgment on the event. Just write it down.

2) In the 2nd column, write how the event makes you feel mentally, physically and emotionally. For example, if your teenager doesn’t clean his room, you may feel angry and annoyed. Your stomach or jaw may clench when you see his room, or you may feel drained.

3) In the 3rd column, write how you cope with the situation. For example, you may yell at your child. You may avoid the situation and choose to not confront him.

4) In the 4th column, write what the event means to you. How do you interpret this event? For example, you may believe your child is being disobedient, and this disobedient behavior means your child doesn’t respect you. To you, it may mean your child doesn’t listen to you or care about your feelings.

Once you’ve identified your triggers, write alternative interpretations and reactions for them. How else can you interpret this event? For example, your child may be trying to establish his independence, and he may be testing you to see how strong he is. Perhaps your child had a horrible week at school, and right now his room isn’t important to him. With the alternative interpretation, you can see that your child’s behavior has nothing to do with his respect or love for you. Rather, he is trying to grow up and be independent, which is a stage all kids go through.

Look for patterns in your triggers. Go to the 4th column and see if certain words show up repeatedly. For example, many of the events may make you feel unloved. If you are consistently being triggered by events that make you feel unloved, you may have a strong need for love. If “lack of respect” keeps showing up in your interpretations, you may have a strong need for respect.

Rather than getting triggered negatively, start focusing on your alternative interpretations. Also, if you *do* get triggered, stop and realize why.  Perhaps you’re felling disrespected or unloved. By recognizing the reason you’re getting triggered, the event will become neutral or even positive.