"Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself." -- Robert Collier

Alive & Well Archives

August 2003

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TODAY'S QUOTE:  “Almost all our misfortunes in life come from the wrong notions we have about the things that happen to us”

                                                -Stendhal

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TODAY'S TOPIC:  See a Pattern

Who says life doesn’t give us a second chance?  I believe life gives us plenty of repeats and opportunities to learn, grow and heal ourselves.  Often, these second chances are obvious when we see the patterns that show up in our lives to teach us.  The trick is we have to see the pattern, and that’s often the hardest part.

Let me give you an example.  I used to have very negative beliefs around relationships and men.  However, I didn’t realize this until I saw a pattern in my life.  The first man I ever dated was very commitment phobic.  He even slept with another woman when I thought we were dating.  When the relationship ended, I just thought *he* was the one with the problem.  *He* was the one with the commitment phobia.  I was fine; I had just chosen the wrong guy. 

Then I got involved with another man.  He, too, had commitment issues.  For a while I thought it was *his* problem.  Then I saw the pattern.  I had attracted two men who both had commitment problems and who *couldn’t* cherish me.  When I saw the pattern, I realized the problem was MINE.  Yes, their behavior was unacceptable, but I had to look at myself. 

After looking at myself, I realized I had deep-seated beliefs that all men are commitment phobic, they cheat, and relationships just bring pain.  I am very thankful for these two men now.  They helped me see that I needed to heal and change my beliefs around men and relationships.  I was lucky, because it only took two men for me to see the pattern.   

I did change those beliefs and I no longer believe relationships bring pain.  I absolutely reject the idea that all men cheat, and I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man.  In fact, I have 100% confidence he would never cheat.  But I had to recognize the patterns (or second chances) I was given to heal this.

Let me give you another example.  I have a client, Barbara, who just recognized a pattern in her life.  Her superior drives her crazy, because he constantly disagrees with her and will use other people to make her feel wrong.  Barbara has had a tendency to believe what other people think and not trust herself.  She and I have worked on getting her to trust herself and her opinions. 

When she told me about her superior, I thought it was brilliant.  His behavior and opinions offer her a way to test her new strength in trusting herself.  He gives her an opportunity to really stand up for herself and stick to her opinion.  He allows her to become even stronger.

Does she want this opportunity?  Of course not!  As humans, we don’t want to endure bad situations and have our lives challenged.  But as a coach, I see the brilliance in it.  Here’s the real kicker.  As we discussed this issue, she realized her superior’s behavior is similar to another woman who used to do the exact same thing to her!  Do you see the pattern?  She didn’t heal with the first woman, so she was given another opportunity, or second chance, with her superior.  Fortunately, she sees the pattern, so she can become stronger, heal, and not have to endure another similar situation.   

We get opportunities in our lives to heal ourselves and make us stronger.  Often, these come in patterns.  The trick is for us to see the pattern.  The sooner we see the pattern, the sooner we can change.  Once we change, the patterns go away.

How about you?  What patterns are showing up in your life now?  What about your past?  Can you see the patterns in your past?

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Coaching Challenge

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Look at struggles you’ve had in the past or are having now.  How are they similar to past situations or struggles?  How do the people who drive you crazy remind you of other people who have driven you crazy?  What do you need to heal?