"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live." -- Norman Cousins

Alive & Well Archives

February 2002

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TODAY'S QUOTE:  “Dreams are never killed by circumstances. Only in your heart can they ever die."

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TODAY'S TOPIC:  Saving Your Dreams

Have you ever felt really excited about a dream or idea? Have you ever had the people around you kill those dreams? Do you have "dreamkillers" in your life?

Let me give you an example of a "dreamkiller." The other night, I had dinner with my friend, Tom, and his friend, Joe. At dinner, Tom told us his dream, which is to race in the men's downhill slalom in the next Olympics. As he told us his dream, his whole face lit up, and he had a huge smile on his face. He was truly excited and passionate as he talked. I could see the energy in his body.

Tom's friend, Joe, is also an excellent skier, and he's skied with Olympic athletes. As Tom told his dreams, Joe kept telling him he wasn't good enough to make the Olympics. Joe said things like, "You're a great skier, and I usually support you in everything you do. But you're nothing like these Olympic guys. You needed to start training earlier. You can't do it at your age. If you want to race in the Olympics, you should move to Jamaica and become the Jamaican ski team."

As Joe said these things, Tom became very deflated. I watched him sink into his chair each time Joe told him why he couldn't make the team. Although Tom started out very enthusiastic and happy, he became sad, and I could visibly see his body lose energy. In fact, I think Tom stayed somber throughout dinner, as if he hadn't fully recovered from having his dream killed.

This is a perfect example of a dreamkiller. Dreamkillers are people in our lives who kill our dreams. They tell us we "can't do it." They tell us our dreams are unrealistic. Essentially, they tell us we aren't good enough to achieve our dreams. Maybe Tom can't make the team, but he needs to decide that himself and not be told by his friends.

Please don't get me wrong. Dreamkillers aren't bad people. They aren't trying to hurt us. In fact, they often want to save us from pain and disappointment. Joe didn't want to be mean. His intention wasn't to upset Tom. Instead, Joe tried to be a friend and save Tom from disappointment. He was trying to save Tom from wasting years on a dream that may not be attainable. That's what dreamkillers do. They don't want to see us upset, so they try and stop us from failing. They often think they're helpful.

Often, dreamkillers have personal reasons as well. Perhaps they tried the same thing and failed. It may be difficult to watch us succeed when they failed. So sometimes they unconsciously try to stop us. Usually, however, they kill our dreams because they simply don't believe we can do it, and they don't want to see us fail.

My friends, when we kill our dreams, we kill a part of ourselves. When we kill our dreams, we open ourselves up to regret. When we kill our dreams, we lose our energy, and we become resigned to an unfulfilled life.

What I know is that if we *believe* we can achieve our dreams and we *want* them enough, we *can* achieve them. But first, we must believe we can attain them. We also need a compelling reason why we want them. With these two things in place, anything is possible. Things may be difficult, but they're never impossible.

So what do you do about dreamkillers? We all have them in our lives, so what do we do? First, recognize when someone is killing your dream. Awareness is the first key. Awareness allows you to step back and not get sucked into what the dreamkiller is saying to you. You can objectively recognize what's going on and stop it before you feel upset and/or deflated.

Next, talk to the dreamkiller. Of course, this communication must remain positive and specific. You don't want to put the dreamkiller on the defensive. Let me give you an example using Tom and Joe. Tom could have said something like, "You know, when you told me I would never make the ski team, I felt really sad and deflated. I started feeling really depressed, and it made me feel like I was inadequate and a loser." Do you see how this statement focuses on how Tom *felt* rather than placing blame on Joe? It was also specific and told the specific situation and resulting feelings.

Next, tell the dreamkiller what you would like instead. In the above example, Tom could have said, "What would've been more empowering for me is if you had said, 'I support you. It may be difficult, but I support you.'" Tom could also have said, "It would have been more empowering for me if you had asked me, 'What kind of actions do you need to take to achieve that goal?'"

If the above suggestions don't work, I suggest you stop telling these people your dreams. Be selective in the people who hear your dreams. Of course, if you want people to stop killing your dreams, you must stop being a dreamkiller for other people. It may be difficult, especially when you really care about the person. But don't do it!!! Bite your tongue. What you'll find is that when you support the people around you, they'll support you too.

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Coaching Challenge

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Over the next few weeks, recognize when you are a dreamkiller and killing someone's dream. Again, awareness is key. Then, you can stop. Also, if you find yourself in a situation where someone is killing your dreams, recognize what's happening. Don't get sucked into what they say. Next, have a discussion like I suggested above. Then go out there and start achieving your dreams!