"Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace." -- Buddha

Alive & Well Archives

June 2004

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TODAY'S QUOTE:  “The only way to heal the pain that will not heal itself is to forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiving stops the reruns of pain…When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free, but you discover the real prisoner was yourself.”

                                            -Lewis B. Smedes, Forgive and Forget

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TODAY'S TOPIC:  Forgiveness

Have you ever been hurt by someone? Have you *fully* forgiven that person, or are you still holding onto the anger, resentment and self-pity?

If you want to feel true peace, love and harmony, you must make forgiveness a part of your life. Forgiveness is an important part of healing and self-love. Forgiveness is a way to give yourself more energy and peace.  Forgiveness is a way to stop punishing yourself and to move forward in your life.

When people harm you in some way, you probably feel hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, sadness, self-pity and other negative emotions. If you’re like most people, you carry those emotions with you for a long time, and you have a lot of energy tied up with past events/people. You may be punishing the people who have harmed you. You may even be punishing yourself for allowing yourself to get hurt. You may be trying to move forward in life, but you feel stuck.

There’s a high cost to holding onto the events/people who have hurt you and to your negative emotions. Forgiveness allows you to free up energy and put it to better use. Forgiveness allows you to transform the energy around an event. You can’t change the past. But you can change your emotions around the event/person, and forgiveness allows you to do this. Forgiveness allows you to break free and live in the present, and it allows you to move forward in life.

There are a couple of key things to remember about forgiveness:

1) Forgiving is not forgetting

Just because you forgive a person or event does not mean you have to forget it. Sometimes, we need to learn from what’s been done to us, so we wouldn't want to forget those things. You can forgive and let it go without forgetting.

2) Forgiveness is not condoning or absolving

Just because you forgive a person or event does not mean you condone it.  What people say or do to you may not be ok. Forgiveness releases the pain and negative energy from you. Forgiveness allows you to heal yourself and move forward in your life. It does *NOT* make the people's actions ok. It does *NOT* mean you are absolving the people. In fact, you do not need to tell the people you have forgiven them. They don’t necessarily need to know.  Forgiveness is NOT about them; it’s about *you.*

3) Forgiveness is not self-sacrifice

Just because you forgive does not mean you’ll allow the action to be done to you again. Forgiving does not mean you become a doormat that can be stepped all over in the future. Again, forgiveness is just about healing yourself and letting go of anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. It doesn’t mean you allow it to happen again.

4) Forgiveness is seldom a clear-cut, one-time decision

You may forgive a person now, and you may need to forgive the person again later. Don’t feel bad if you think you’ve forgiven a person/event and you feel angry about it again later. Sometimes, you need to forgive the person/event multiple times before the negative energy is fully released from you.  Forgiveness is a process.

5) Your forgiveness work is not complete unless you forgive yourself too

It’s very important to forgive yourself. You may need to forgive yourself for allowing an event to happen. You may need to forgive yourself for actions you’ve taken or things you’ve said. Carrying around guilt takes a tremendous amount of energy. Forgiveness will let go of that guilt, so be sure to forgive yourself too!

Are you ready to start your forgiveness work? If so, following are two ways to start. Pick the way that will work best for you. Some situations may call for different methods. Before you start any method, be sure to relax and center yourself. You may want to go to a place that fills your soul or brings you energy. For example, last week I did forgiveness work and I went to Winter Park (in the Rocky Mountains), because I feel energized and at peace when I’m in the mountains.

1) Suggestion #1

Write a list of every person who has ever harmed you. Think back over your entire life and include anyone who has ever said anything harmful or upsetting to you. This could include a little league coach, your second grade teacher, an ex-boyfriend, your parents, etc. It may take you a week or so to write your list. Don’t forget to include yourself on this list.

When you're ready, go through the list. To each person, say aloud, “I forgive you. I forgive you unconditionally. I ask the Universe to forgive you. I ask the Universe to forgive me for taking offense at this action. I ask that the result of this action be undone in all directions and time.”

Last weekend, I went to the mountains and did this exercise. It took me almost an hour to get through everyone on the list, and I was crying in many places. Now, I can feel the release that comes from forgiving people, especially myself. You may not feel anything, and that’s ok. Just trust the process is working.

2) Suggestion #2

Remember three people (living or dead) over the course of your life whom you haven’t been able to forgive. Make three columns on a piece of paper. In the first column, list the people. In the second column, list the event(s) you associate with them. In the third column, list your feelings and judgments at the time of the event.

Choose one person from that list, and write a letter to that person. In the letter, first recall the event, how it hurt you, what your feelings were at the time, and what they are now. Next, write your forgiveness of this hurt.  Next, acknowledge this person’s contribution to your life and what you learned from this experience. Finally, praise the person with love.

After writing the letter to the other person, write a letter to yourself.  Forgive yourself completely for any contribution you may have made to the unhappy event and for your unforgiving thoughts since that time. Be sure to praise yourself with love too.

Regardless of which method you choose, be sure to have a letting go ritual at the end. For example, you can burn the lists/letters. Of course, be very careful, especially if you’re in a high fire zone. Because I was in the Colorado mountains, I burned my list in a steel sink rather than doing it outside where it could catch fire. You can rip up your lists/letters and bury them. You can flush them down the toilet. Do whatever works for you.  The point is to release it and let it go. Make sure that as you release it, you speak your desire and intention to let go (even if you do not feel you are really forgiving).

I also highly recommend the book “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping.  It is an excellent book that helps you to re-frame and realize every situation is perfect, even painful situations.  It also helps you to feel forgiveness easily. 

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Coaching Challenge

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Pick a method above and do your forgiveness work. Notice how you feel immediately afterwards and on an on-going basis.