"We expect more of ourselves than we have any right to." -- Oliver Wendall Holmes, Jr.

Alive & Well Archives

March 2002

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TODAY'S QUOTE:  “There is a proper balance between not asking enough of oneself and asking or expecting too much."

                                            -May Sarton

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TODAY'S TOPIC:  Expectations

Do you have expectations about the way things should go in your life? Do you ever feel that if you take certain actions, you should get certain results?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, expectations are "preconceived ideas of what will happen, what someone or something will turn out to be." In our lives, expectations are often what we think will (or should) happen as a result of what we do or say. We are human, so we all have expectations in one form or another. Unfortunately, though, expectations frequently breed disappointment, hurt, frustration, anger and other disempowering feelings.

Expectations, especially unspoken ones, can also hurt or even destroy personal and professional relationships.  Let me give you an example. I have a client, Linda, who has three business partners. Linda has become frustrated with her partners, because she expects them to do certain things, such as return her phone calls promptly and fulfill their obligations. They often don't return her phone calls promptly, and they don't complete tasks on time. Consequently, Linda constantly feels frustrated with them.

Why does she feel frustrated? That's easy -- she has expectations of how they should behave in a business relationship, and they aren't living up to those expectations. As a result, this business has drained a lot of her energy, and she harbors negative feelings towards her partners. A business cannot thrive when one partner regularly feels frustrated and drained by the business and the other partners.

It's reasonable for Linda to have these expectations. After all, she's human. It doesn't really matter, however, if her partners' actions are right or wrong. That's not important right now. What matters is how Linda's expectations constantly leave her feeling disempowered and drained.

That's no way to live. Also, Linda hasn't communicated her expectations to her partners. She can't insist her partners live up to her expectations when she hasn't communicated the expectations to them.  They aren't mind readers, and they will most likely not change on their own. Linda has a "silent contract" with them, a contract where she knows the terms and conditions, but they don't. Until Linda communicates what she expects to her business partners, she can't assume they will change, and she will continue to feel frustrated and disappointed.

Again, it's natural to have expectations. But can you see how expectations, especially silent contracts, can leave you feeling disempowered? The answer, then, is to identify when you have expectations.

How can you tell if you have expectations? First, pay attention to your language. The following are examples of language indicating you have expectations:

* If/then --> *If* you love me...*then* you'll pick up your laundry.  You expect that if the person loves you, she'll pick up the laundry. If she doesn't do it, you'll probably feel unloved, angry, disappointed and disempowered.

* Must --> I *must* be strong. You expect yourself to stay strong. If you have a moment of weakness, you'll probably feel discouraged, upset and disempowered.

* If only --> *If only* I had more money... I'd be happier. You expect money to bring you happiness. What if you make more money and you're still not happy? You'll be frustrated, disempowered and unhappy.

* Always/never --> We've *always* done it this way in the past. You expect to keep doing it that way, and you'll get the same result. If you don't get the same result, you'll be disappointed.  As you can see, your language can give you clues that you're expecting certain things or results.

Another way to tell you have expectations is notice when you feel disappointed, hurt, angry or resentful about something or toward someone.  Often we don't even know we have expectations until we feel disappointed.

Let me give you an example. Last night, my boyfriend and I walked in the wind, which left my hair in a tangled mess. I said something about my hair and how it had looked nice earlier in the evening. My boyfriend said nothing. I immediately felt disappointed and annoyed.  Why? I was disappointed because I had wanted to hear and *expected* my boyfriend to say, "Well, you still look great" or "It's still beautiful." Instead, he said nothing. I didn't realize I expected him to say anything until I was disappointed by his silence. Yes, I was caught in expectations. My expectations left me feeling disappointed and agitated (until I realized what was truly happening for me).

As you can see from my example, when you're caught in expectations, how you feel often depends on other people. I became upset because my boyfriend didn't say the right words. I allowed his actions to affect how I felt.  Did he do anything wrong? No! But because I had unspoken expectations, I was upset. Expectations will do that; your feelings result from someone's behavior, words and actions (or inactions). You give someone else power over you and power to affect your feelings.

Ok, so you know silent contracts and expectations disempower you. What's the alternative? How can you stay empowered?

First, communicate silent contracts to people. Don't expect them to read your mind. In Linda's example, she must communicate to her partners what she needs from them and what she desires from business partners. In my example, I must tell my boyfriend what I want to hear. You cannot ask people to live up to your expectations if you don't tell them your expectations. Tell people what you expect and want of them.

Next, reframe your expectations into intentions for yourself. According to the Oxford Dictionary, an intention is "a concentrated direction of the mind, attention, eyes, etc..." Intentions, therefore, allow you to direct your mind and actions. You cannot control the actions of others or change them. Because intentions allow you to direct *your* actions and mind, you stay empowered despite others' actions or words.

Let me give you an example. I have an intention in my relationship to "share myself, love fully and keep on learning." This intention empowers me to be the way I want to *be* in my relationship regardless of what my boyfriend does. In the above example, even though I didn't hear what I wanted from him, my intention allowed me to keep showering him with affection. I direct my actions and mind regardless of what he does (or does not do). This leaves me empowered and feeling great about myself! As a bonus, because I'm living from my intention, he has permission to be more loving and affectionate too.

When you live from intention, you control your life. You direct your actions and your mind. No matter what happens, you stay in control.  That, my friends, is a wonderful way to live!

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Coaching Challenge

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Pick an area of your life where you feel stuck or challenged (your body, your relationships, your career, etc.). In this situation, what do you expect of yourself? What do you expect of others? What miracle do you want to happen? What do others expect of you?

Once you've identified the expectations, notice if they empower or disempower you. Next, write an intention to empower you and direct your actions.